(satire) FBI arrests Mateen's pet Parrot. Determined to "Make him talk!"
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comments and news from various sources, Posted in Humor
[[--NEWS PARODY -- no this is NOT real news--]] ---
(Washington DC)--At an emotional news conference, FBI Director James COMEY confessed the FBI had initially missed the fact that during the Orlando niteclub siege, the "shooter" had been actively texting to his pet talking parrot, who was at home. The parrot is not only verbally gifted in English language, but has clawed his way into social medial popularity by adding facebook friends at a rate of about 666 a day. The parrot, age 11, is mostly green with a yellow head and flesh colored beak, and is named "DADDI GAGA". Despite being an ISIS wannabe, he holds many western habits: he likes heavy metal rock and roll, helicopter rides to Atlantic City, expensive whiskey, high risk gambling, Dominoes pizza with cheese in the crust rim, binge watching Donald Trump rallies, binge watching rerun episodes of THE NANNY, Warren Buffett's stock tips, Kellogs pop tarts, Jimmy Dean sausages, and hanging out with pink haired strippers. He lists his DREAM JOB as "astronaut" proclaiming THE SPACE PROGRAM IS FAKE, you get big salary and have nothing to do! Only easier job ever was GW Bush's presidency!... He says his mother was his inspiration, constantly telling him "If that phony Obama can fool 300 million humans with smooth talk, so can you my cheeky son. Think big and and talk bigger." He was educated at Verbosity Community College in Washington DC. On his facebook page he says his biggest fear is being challenged to pronounce and spell AYN RAND in a spelling bee "Is it IAN or ANN, I have no idea!"....The parrot (also closet gay but quasi self-loathing and a supporter of the CIA's mercenary militia ISIS)- The parrot met Omar Mateen online in the ILLUMINATI PSYOP ANTI RATIONAL SELF RADICALIZERS CHAT ROOM of AOL, they became friends over 777 minutes of talk time, and Mateen then invited him to be a roommate.
During the Saturday PULSE siege, here are some of the texts that Mateen sent to Parrot DADDI GAGA - while taking pauses in his action ..feeling sure the cops would not enter the building any sooner 2.666 hours after arriving. Not that the cops promised they wouldn't come in before then, but simply because the SIEGE was a psyop hoax after all and crisis actors are cheap, so no point to close the fake event off too soon.
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TEXT TO PARROT -- 2:49am -- Dude can you believe anyone would by this fake hoax drama story? Like nobody is thinking. How would I get past front door security with all these guns? Does that make any sense? One big bouncer could punch me out in a second. Who the heck am I? And wait till you hear this story fully roll out. They'll be telling you I went to buy weapons and said HI--I'M A WHACKY ISIS-LOVER ON THE NO FLY LIST BUT I'D LIKE TO BUY A LOT OF WEAPONS IN CASE A NEW BATMAN MOVIE COMES OUT SOON.... COOL BY YOU? -- And I bought up the store. No problem. ---LOLL ---this psyop hoax story is beyond ridiculous but that's what the NWO are giving to the dumb media. And of course the sleeping sheeple will buy this nonsense one more time. Count on it. I guess CNN is just so slow on a summer Saturday night, anything counts as news. I'm surprised Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson doesn't hold news conferences in these wee hours. That would be a coverage bonanza for him.
TEXT TO PARROT -- 3:33am - Damn it is freaking hot in here with all these crisis actors. There are hundreds of them. I'm sweating like a pitbull after a jogging spree. But I'll be dammed if I will buy some bottled water here. The stupid niteclub prices are sky high. Where do they think we are, at a four star hotel in Monaco? Thank goodness my roll on deodorant brand is DEGREE though.... that extra protection they build in really helps. Oh and guess what, there is a Dunkin Donuts right across from the club. That's because the guy who scripted this pysop for the NWO is an Eddie Murphy fan and loved the Eddie Murphy flick METRO. So he's gonna have the cops' hostage negotiator come on with a bag of donuts, just like Eddie did in the movie. Its totally gratuitous nonsense though. I'm supposed to be terminated at the end of this fake drama, to martyr myself....so what's the point of hostages???? No point, he just wanted to put the donuts thing in.... Writers!! So eccentric!
TEXT TO PARROT - 3:49am ---I have to confess, this is a lot grimier a gig than when I played the older Brother in the Boston Marathon hoax. All I had to do there was carry a backpack and walk down the street, then later pretend to get shot at while running naked in Watertown. Not a tough gig. This DJ at the club sucks BTW. The music is awful. I guess he's just a crisis actor DJ, not a real DJ. Definitely gay though. When's the last time you heard disco remixes of Judy Garland songs? The room is nasty hot and humid too. I hope the fake cops bust in soon. I am soo ready to get paid for this crisis acting gig and go home. I mean the last thing I wanna do is be here be here when Anderson Cooper arrives. Then you really know you've stayed too long at the fair.
TEXT TO PARROT -- 4:49am -- Freaking goll darnnit! When are the fake cops gonna come busting in? Are you kidding? THREE HOURS WAIT. This is nuts. I am so OVER this gig, and its so sweaty hot in here. If they are not here in 15 min.. I may break down and buy some bottled water at the absurd price they want of 5 dollars. Can you get over it FIVE BUCKS for water? Heck a can of RedBull is only 4 bucks. But I don't want to be all jizzed up and awake all day. When I get outta here I am gonna hit the mattress and sleep like a sheeple. This has been a rough gig.
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FBI's Comey said the PARROT KNEW OF THE PLAN for Mateen to go create a ruckus at the club, but told no one in advance. This makes the parrot culpable for federal charges. However presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has already intervened saying she would - like to access the parrot thru pretrial diversion, and let the parrot join her staff. Mrs. Clinton saying- she highly values someone -who can keep their mouth shut when it comes to other people's secrets.
https://www.intellihub.com/captured-on-tape-victims-being-carried-toward-pulse-nightclub-after-shooting/